I finally had the assurance that i am officially a graduate, so I told him (a guy i’m dating) that i think i will be seeing less of him although i am still not sure which path to take. The excitement I felt months ago turned into fear and pressure at this very moment. I am pressured to act as an adult, to be an achiever and to be confident and as mature as other girls my age. I have always wondered about the struggles of everyone who went through the transition from being a student and into a career woman. Girls my age are doing so well with the path they are taking that it makes me wonder what class did i miss to lack such sophistication, grace and confidence. I realized that everyone who told me “congratulations” got no clue how empty, scared, and unsecure i feel despite my achievement.
Today I was telling him and a friend about the pressure and confusion that lies within me. I told them that i probably took the wrong course since i majored in sales and communication, which i know will lead me to a job that i am not comfortable with. I worked so hard to pass my subjects, i went through proposals, outputs and practical tests that made me realize how much i hated being in that field. I was ranting about that, but i’m already through with all my subjects. I mentioned that maybe i should take another course related with programming.
“You won’t make it.” He said.
“You can’t stand that.” A friend seconded.
Since I wasn’t entirely convinced about taking up programming, i let their sentiments go. Even though I haven’t tried and they haven’t seen me try, maybe afterall, they could be right.
After a while they asked me about the possible jobs i will be applying. I told them the truth, i have no clue. I know i am at fault for having a plan my entire college life but not knowing that i already should’ve started implementing it. I know I am at fault for not figuring things out ahead of time, and now that i really should figure everything out, i am filled with fear and pressure because i ended up unprepared. Since this friend had a part time job online, he suggested that i should try it, but before i could reply he already said, “you’ll probably already be eleminated on the first category” . He laughed, but i didn’t. I could not stop myself from making it evident that I got angry.
At the end of the day i forgave their sentiments because i forced myself to believe that what they told me won’t matter since it will be me who will get things done. I managed to convince myself although everything they said became a burden to my chest.
Before i slept this friend called me up and we talked about random things for a while until i felt the urge to write a blog post (because i haven’t written for a while) . I asked for a few minutes to be away, he then asked what will i be doing and i told him that i will be writing something for wordpress. He said, “why bother you won’t get rich with that anyway.”
That day i concluded that this dude is so full of himself and he never understood an inch about me. He’s just so lucky that i am tolerating him and even luckier that he won a space on my blog because as much as i hate it, i just wrote about him!