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The Things I Keep Telling Myself

After heartbreaks and rejections, most of us forget our worth. There are days when we wake up wondering what the hell did we wake up for. As for me most days consists of that question, wondering if i woke up just for the sake of acknowledgement, just for the sake of telling people that hey, i’m alive there’s no need to worry. At a young age i have been so thrilled with the person that i could become, but then i grew up and realized that the stage of my life that i visualized is happening at this very moment.

I still have an inch of positivity in me but I must admit that there are days when i realize that there have been too many people my age who are so established, and here i am, clueless about where i am going. For example, i thought graduating from college is the key to everything. I would be freed from the pressure my parents placed on me. I would no longer be pressured and intimidated because i already have a diploma, i am already an achiever in my own way. However i see my batchmates, previous co-workers and cousins becoming lawyers, becoming doctors and taking up masters. It made me think if i should go to school again, because the worth i placed on myself started to become clouded by the success the people around me achieved.

Everyday i try to whisper myself a few things before getting up, to remind myself of my worth (these could also be the reason why i’m always running late because i’m too hard headed and won’t even listen to my own rational advice!) So here are a few things i keep reminding myself:

  1. We are all gonna die anyway! 

This one is similar and at the same time different with saying YOLO (you only live once). This is probably one of the problems i have to deal with myself. Imagine waking up everday just to tell myself that I’m gonna die anyway.

Saying this to myself helps. It made me get away with the pressure i place on myself. I can’t carry my diploma in the after life, i don’t have to practice my field in the after life, it doesn’t matter if i achieved so much in my after life so might as well just live today according to what makes me happy at the moment instead of investing on something i could not enjoy on my next life (if there is an after life) .

I know, so uninspiring. I am myself’s greatest motivation murderer.

2. I am not obliged to spill my story on social media.

That means just because i saw an aquaintance posting photos of how she thinks she’s so blessed, it doesn’t mean i have to do that too. These days the number of grand posts we make became the basis of a person’s happiness. Most people don’t realize that just because i have zero social media posts about my escapades, doesn’t mean i am not happy. My life doesn’t have to look like a roller coaster ride on social media. Having no insta worthy photos doesn’t mean i have a dull life. I should not live my life according to what my facebook friends or instagram followers’ preferences. I should live my life according to what i think makes me happy, and telling people about  how happy I am is optional, totally no pressure.

3. Everything happens for a reason.

This one is proven. I once decided to quit a job once because i got tired and assumed that i would just be okay without it. My resignation was denied and i was so angry that time because a contract i forgot about was brought up. So i got on with my job until i finished college and realized in the end how much that job helped me. I even felt like thanking the person who disregarded my resignation. Another example is when at one point in my last semester in college i decided to take up all my subjects at once because i just want to be done. I just want to get over my studies so fast even though i have no idea where i am going after studying. So just a few months before graduating i found out my boyfriend was cheating. I realized (and assumed) that i probably needed that sudden urge to be done so that i can find a sign and a reason not to deal with that cheating guy once again.

If one morning i spill coffee on my favorite outfit, i’d just assume that there is a good reason for that too. I just have to wait 😊

4. Never lose your individuality.

Back in highschool i have this group of friends i always stick to. I can’t roam around the hallways without them. I can’t eat lunch without them. Our class had been grouped according to friendships, we also kept comparing the quality of friends we have that whoever gets left out without any group will automatically be considered a weirdo. It has always been like that but i was a little different, i had commitment issues. Each year i have a friend that i am totally close with who belongs to the same group of friends as me, and the next year i would no longer be close with her. No catfights, no conflict, i simply just fell out with the friendship that we had. I thought i will always be that person that quickly loses interest, but that changed when i was in a relationship.

My usual friendship span was just a year, but this relationship exceeded and it had negative effects on me. I went with him anywhere and i was with him all the time. We were always together that i think we became crippled. We were incomplete without each other, and it probably sounds cheesy but no, it could be romantic but it sucks. We forgot to grow up, we forgot that we have our own world outside our relationship. When this relationship ended, as expected, it felt terrible. It may feel challenging and exciting at first to be finally free to be your own person, but it’s also very scary for someone who got used to having somebody around.

This time, i tell myself, that i should know better. This time, i must not be too attached to a person no matter how much that person promised to stick around. I am an individual, I am myself, and no friendship and commitment will break that apart.

5. Everything fades in time.

This could be scary and healing at the same time. It scares me to think that whatever i have right now will just be gone eventually. The feelings and admiration someone has for me will change and soon enough i have to deal with the pain. However, it is healing because it gives me hope that the pain and anxiety i am going through right now is just temporary. Everything will heal in time. An example would be when i got drunk and has been so embarassed i found no motivation in getting up for a week. Nearly everyday i would be scared that a picture of my drunk self will be viral, and the anxiety will double up. Then i would tell myself that if ever that post gets viral, it will just be forgotten in time. The mistakes i did as a teenager may have harmed me a little, but surely, it will not be the label of my entire life.

So that’s my little list of words i whisper to myself that either make me feel better or cause me more anxiety. Thanks for reading!

7 thoughts on “The Things I Keep Telling Myself

  1. Beautifully written yet so true. No matter what we accomplish on Earth, it will fade years after death and we must do what it takes to keep our composure and recognize that we only live once, meaning that we should not take our family and friends and the things we have for granted. Our life on earth is borrowed time and we must make the best use of it as much as possible. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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