​Cheaters are trash who deserve nothing but karma. That was my initial thought when i found out I was being cheated on. I swore that I need to get even. There is a need for revenge. I need to hurt him the same way he hurt me.

Before claiming that I am the perfect girlfriend, I will unfortunately admit that I also cheated before he cheated on me. He found out about it and he forgave me. I treasured the chance that I was given and swore to myself that it was the first and the last time that I’ll cheat. I stood by my promise. About a year after that, I found out that he’s cheating. When the memory was so fresh, I see the scenes of his infedility every night before I sleep. I even think about it everyday. I daydream about what he did and instead of hating him, I hated myself. It was so painful, but weeks later, I found myself laughing along with him.

Here’s a list of reasons why the pain faded. (However, just because it fades doesn’t mean it’s gone.)

1. He made me feel that he’s sorry. He brought me flowers for days with notes in it. The flowers bloomed along with my hope that everything between us will eventually be okay.

2. He did things he doesn’t usually do when we were still together. Waiting for me to make sure I get home safe. Exerting extra effort to make time for me despite the hustle of his own responsibilities.

3. Enumerating promises of how good our relationship could become. Promises of him changing and plans for our future. I daydreamed with him once more and I can clearly see myself being happy beside him in the future.

4. Reminding me of the mistakes I did. He had forgiven my mistakes. Now it feels like forgiving him is an obligation instead of something that I should do on my own decision.

5. Not having proper closure. When I decided that we should end, he hung around asking for another chance. When he couldn’t see me, he always calls and leaves a message. And what will you do if you miss someone and he appears to be always available for you? You devour him, ofcourse. I am honestly disappointed with my lack of self control.

I held on to what is uncertain. Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t hurt me again, maybe I could heal myself.

My first reaction to cheating is revenge, followed by simply leaving, now who would’ve thought I’d end up with forgiving and then staying? I was ready for another chance because maybe after all, we both deserved that — but then he stopped. He gave up.

The flowers stopped coming.

I’ve never seen him for weeks.

I think the promises will just be forgotten. My hope went with him when he left.

I was blamed for making him feel guilty.

Turning his back, was closure enough for me.

Maybe at some point we could love someone so much we accept their mistakes no matter how much it hurts us. Maybe cheating could be tolerable to anyone brave (and stupid?) enough to go through pain just to keep a person. However, just because you could tolerate it, doesn’t mean everything will work out fine again.

I learned so much from this heartache it feels like the lessons are engraved in my skin like a tattoo, permanent and painful, but beautiful in the end.