I am not sure if constantly thinking of a break up while in a relationship is healthy, but thats what i did anyway. I have this break up scenario in my head. I call this as my ideal break up, where he does something wrong and i’d be left no other choice but to leave him. I will be a damsel in distress and he’ll be left with regrets for taking me for granted, and not seeing my worth. I also imagined that he’ll be chasing me, pleading to have me back, but i already moved on and is already way out of his league.

After two years, my ideal break up happened! However, there were scenes i havent imagined and now i don’t know how to deal with it. At first it went well, with me listing down reasons why i should not be talking to him again. I also did research on how to be better. I cut my hair, bought clothes, did my nails, bought books and just pampered myself. At first i thought how better i will become and he will just be left behind.

I tried controlling this break up scenario but it got out of hand because of the following reasons:

1. He chased me (yes, i saw that coming) and i ended up liking being chased (who would’ve thought i liked being chased by this cheating ex lover?)

2. He was so persistent, he even mentioned suicide – And i was there to comfort him with words like “just because i will be gone, doesn’t mean i’d stop loving you” . I know he dont deserve that but i said it to him anyway.

3. He made sure he’ll always be there, and my stupid self runs back to him everytime i miss him.

4. I hated the thought of him with somebody else, so i made sure i constantly talk to him to make sure he behaves.

5. I swear i tried not communicating but sometimes, when he calls, i’d answer it and we’d talk for hours.

I just learned that this break up scenario is only ideal because it’s all in my head. My criteria for a perfect break up is:
β€’ It must not be my fault
β€’ ofcourse, it must be his and it must be big so he’ll regret
β€’ It must be painful to make me never want to go back again

However, i forgot to include the essential part of this break up: My well being and my capacity to handle it.

So here’s an update: After about two pages of written promise (that i’ll never take him back) on my journal, i am still talking to him and i just promised him that we’ll be back together when the issues are over and i have gotten over the pain caused by what he did.

This is so unhealthy, and painful and i think my stupid self deserves this for knowing that it is the perfect time to let him go, but i am still hanging around with no clue what i am waiting for.

It’s like the signs that we should be genuinely moving on are tapping on my shoulders aggressively but i’m just like,
“nah..”

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