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My Ideal Break Up and How it Turned Out

I am not sure if constantly thinking of a break up while in a relationship is healthy, but thats what i did anyway. I have this break up scenario in my head. I call this as my ideal break up, where he does something wrong and i’d be left no other choice but to leave him. I will be a damsel in distress and he’ll be left with regrets for taking me for granted, and not seeing my worth. I also imagined that he’ll be chasing me, pleading to have me back, but i already moved on and is already way out of his league.

After two years, my ideal break up happened! However, there were scenes i havent imagined and now i don’t know how to deal with it. At first it went well, with me listing down reasons why i should not be talking to him again. I also did research on how to be better. I cut my hair, bought clothes, did my nails, bought books and just pampered myself. At first i thought how better i will become and he will just be left behind.

I tried controlling this break up scenario but it got out of hand because of the following reasons:

1. He chased me (yes, i saw that coming) and i ended up liking being chased (who would’ve thought i liked being chased by this cheating ex lover?)

2. He was so persistent, he even mentioned suicide – And i was there to comfort him with words like “just because i will be gone, doesn’t mean i’d stop loving you” . I know he dont deserve that but i said it to him anyway.

3. He made sure he’ll always be there, and my stupid self runs back to him everytime i miss him.

4. I hated the thought of him with somebody else, so i made sure i constantly talk to him to make sure he behaves.

5. I swear i tried not communicating but sometimes, when he calls, i’d answer it and we’d talk for hours.

I just learned that this break up scenario is only ideal because it’s all in my head. My criteria for a perfect break up is:
• It must not be my fault
• ofcourse, it must be his and it must be big so he’ll regret
• It must be painful to make me never want to go back again

However, i forgot to include the essential part of this break up: My well being and my capacity to handle it.

So here’s an update: After about two pages of written promise (that i’ll never take him back) on my journal, i am still talking to him and i just promised him that we’ll be back together when the issues are over and i have gotten over the pain caused by what he did.

This is so unhealthy, and painful and i think my stupid self deserves this for knowing that it is the perfect time to let him go, but i am still hanging around with no clue what i am waiting for.

It’s like the signs that we should be genuinely moving on are tapping on my shoulders aggressively but i’m just like,
“nah..”

13 thoughts on “My Ideal Break Up and How it Turned Out

  1. I think overthinking and attractions are the reasons for everything that happens. I’m too like you and trying to control this. I guess this will make things better and let me live in the moment and not worry about the future. Btw you write so well and it is so damn relatable. Nice to meet you. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We just have to deal with its pain until it passes by and gives us a lesson. Thank you so much for appreciating what i wrote. It’s my way to cope up with my life’s disappointment. So glad to meet you 😊😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This breakup reminds me of my friend. I want to smack the shit out of her!(I did not that strong to knock her out.) Their relationship is toxic and unhealthy but somehow she can’t let go.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Nah~ the last time I check she cried -again- and the next thing I knew their back again. She’s really beyond stubborn when it comes to him. Were off communication right now after the last chat we had. Im hoping that she is fine.

        Liked by 1 person

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