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Where Anxiety Took Me

My thoughts are sacred and so is my self. So i locked my thoughts inside my head, and everything that tried to escape, ended up in journal entries. I am sacred, and to prove that, i need my reputation intact. I need people to think of me as this and that, and kept what i thought was embarassing deep within. Others call it denial, i call it anxiety. When i was inlove i suggested heartbreak in social media. Love quotes were all cliche and posting our moments were all too mainstream. They said i was in denial with what i truly feel. I was in love yet too afraid to tell people that i have finally let my guard down. However, i still think its anxiety. I suggested heartbreak on social media because i was preparing myself for our end. All those times we were happy, our end lingers in my head. I never wanted to post photos about us because i was afraid that when we end, it will be too embarassing to take down. People will be asking what happened, i will feel like i owe them explanations, and i am afraid of breaking down in the midst of telling the tale of how we ended.
I guess that was just my thing. I wanted to be a step ahead, not because i was competitive but because i wan to make sure i could handle it if something terrible happens.

When your arms rested on my shoulder, i cringed at the thought of your arms around another girl. When you gave me flowers, i pictured out another girl receiving it. When we reached a year and then another, all along i was thinking how many years are left, until you celebrate anniversaries with another girl.

When we finally ended, i was crippled but i made sure i was still a step ahead. When i felt like you were a thread away from giving up, i forced myself to accept the fact that we reached our end and theres no going back. When we both made this end official, i pictured you out with another girl. Ofcourse it all attacked me like knives on my chest but all i kept thinking was, i’d rather be free from the pain then, and keep hurting now. I made it hurt all at once, relieved myself from the stabs, and left myself with the scars.

One day you called me up telling me how much you missed me, and i told you how much i don’t. I murdered every chance we had the day you fed my anxiety. Now that i’ve come two steps ahead, i was suddenly glad i was anxious.

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