It was just a week after i watched 13 reasons why, and just 2 days after you told me you’d rather die. When you called me up two days ago, i was the one wounded and cheated on, but still, i soothed you.
Googled the least painful ways to get yourself killed a couple of times. Suicide haunted your thoughts until you could no longer take it, so you run over your pride and called me up. If you never cheated on me months ago, i should’ve believed your tragic revelation. I could’ve believed how you’d sacrifice your life just to be with me, but thoughts like “how could you not sacrifice a tempting girl just for me” continuously hovered. So i brushed you off and told you the choice i have made the moment i knew what you did: “I’m never coming back, no matter how hard you try.”
I probably sounded so brave for saying that, but who was i fooling when just a week filled of your apologies already made me want to take you back again? I considered having you back a week after that. We tried working things out but i was probably ruined by paranoia, trust issues and anxiety attacks that you got fed up, and gave up. We went on days and weeks forgetting about each other, like we just hopped on a race of who gets to move on first. We ignored each other for weeks, until you called 2 days ago.
In my dreams you chased after me and i was running away. Even in my dreams i stuck with the decision i made. In my dreams your friends called me up telling me about your death, and showed me suicide letters you wrote for me. I could not remember what you wrote exactly but i know that there was a rush of emotions in me. There was extreme sadness that went along with me even when i woke up. There was too much regret and i woke up wanting to apologize for not giving you a chance. All i know is that minutes after waking up, i wanted to talk to you and ask for forgiveness. I wanted you back. In my dreams it was i who pleaded for another chance. I want another chance with you, i want to have more of you. What i felt in that dream stayed with me until the day ended. I even had thoughts like, “i swear i’d take you back.. if only you were alive”
When i was awake, i was tempted to grab my phone, call you and take you back. But who was i kidding. You are alive and reality is surely too different from the dream i just had. Deep within i know i should give us another shot, deep within i know that is what truly felt right, because it’s what i want.
However, the trust has already crumbled and it will be hard building it again from ashes. Maybe what i truly wanted was to get back, but maybe wanting you back was felt within and should be kept that way. Maybe, i should not dwell on the past too much and accept that some feelings must be kept within and must simply just be felt in a dream.