List of Poems

I finally organized the poems I have written for the past 2 years. This post will serve as a guide for the upcoming poems that I will be publishing weekly.

One Poem a week, published every Friday, 11:30 AM. Stay tuned!

You Were The Risk I Wanted (1)
Sorry Mom (2)
Today’s Mistake(3)
You Should’ve Known(4)
I Thought I Wanted You (5)
After Her (6)
I Just Hope This Happens (7)
Make Sure It’s Really Love (8)
I Had To Stop (9)
His Past Lover (10)
It Was Never Easy For Me (11)
When The Ship Sinks (12)
My Escape (13)
My Past (14)
Soul After Soul (15)
History Lessons (16)
She’s Climbing His Standards (17)
Absolutely Not The Ex (18)
I Tried Writing For You (19)
I Should’ve Asked (20)
Dear Friends (21)
Theory On Why People Play Safe In Love (22)
I Think I Killed Us (23)
Whatever Will Be, Will Be (24)
The Past Should Stay Where It Is (25)
You’re Not Ready For Me (26)
What Was Your First Love Like? (27)
Hangover (28)
He’s Yours, What Are You So Afraid Of?” (29)
Your Past Love And I (30)
Sorry For Needing You (31)
His Fairy tale (32)
I Wish You Would (33)
Against You (34)
It’s Dark Without You (35)
Ignorance (36)
The “What If” She Feared (37)
The Girl Who Rarely Speaks (38)
How About The End? (39)
Should’ve Started At The End (39.5)
Different Lives (40)
Myself, Before Anyone Else (41)
Tell Me All Of You (42)
Who I Think He Is (43)
I Want To Be Saved (44)
He Taught Me This (45)
Among All Comparisons (46)
Fed Up (47)
Happy Endings Differ (48)
Arrived (49)
Some Of Us Don’t Need Saving (50)
The Scars I Got (51)
This One Is Different (52)
Gone Too Soon (53)
Love As Fire (54)
One Girl To Another (55)
Wounded And Insane (56)
I’d Write About Disaster (57)
A Chance (58)
In love With The Bad (59)
Getting Even (60)
I Know He’s No Good (61)
The Betrayal (62)
Stuck (63)
How It Ended (64)
Cuddling Lies (65)
How I Fell (66)
It Hurts, But We All Want It (67)
If I Stayed (68)
This Time, I Left (69)
Always You (70)
A Day (71)
Admired (72)
Still Haunted (73)
When I Left (74)
He’s Too Good (75)
The Willing Captive (76)
Guy On A Shelf (77)
Unheard (78)
I Could Be Love (79)
Passerby (80)
Secretive (81)
A Little Time (82)
Unnecessary Warrior (83)
I’ve Been Tricked (84)
Not Chosen (85)
Growing Distant (86)
Fell Again (87)
To A Friend (88)
Inner Slut (89)
Short Connection (90)
Relieved You Left (91)
Lifeline (92)
This Friend Won’t Mind (93)
Just For A Night (94)
Invalid Attraction (95)
The Eye, Then The Heart (96)
An Unwanted Thought (97)
A Piece Of You (98)
Invisible (99)
Inner Slut Unleashed (100)
My Guilt (101)
Dearest Jane (102)
This Is Jane (103)
My Revenge (104)
Inner Slut, Roaming Around (105)
The Other Girl (106)
Not A Need (107)
Another Liar (108)
As A Whole (109)
Girl By Girl (110)
The Past, Blocking Your View (111)
Innocent Victims (112)
If My Heart Breaks (113)
In Words (114)
In A Rush (115)
Changes (116)
A Stubborn Memory (117)
Hidden And Unknown (118)
Love Unspoken (119)
Settling On A Consolation (120)
Not The First But Just Like The Rest (121)
Just For Tonight (122)
She’s The Tricky Kind (123)
Hopeful (124)
The Pain I Wanted (125)
Just Like Other Girls Do (126)
Girls Like Us (127)
Not Erased (128)
Since You Have A Journey (129)
My Kind Of Drug (130)
Calm But Hurt (131)
Replacement (132)
He Asked, “What Are You So Afraid Of?” (133)
What You Both Had (134)
Our Silent End (135)
Forget Me For Now (136)
It Was Her All Over Again (137)
Heartbreak Made Me Pause (138)
Just Like The Rest (139)
Just One Girl (140)
You Were Never Really Mine (141)
Until He Leaves (142)
The Present For The Past (143)
I’ll Wait (144)
8 Dates (145)
Bully (146)
What If Your Prince Isn’t Charming (147)
Shouldn’t Have Flirted (148)
Uncomfortable (149)
I Never Thought About It (150)
Pulled Up From My Past (151)
Over You (152)
All I Know Is I’m Lost (153)
Too Scared (155)
Temporary (156)
After Everything, We Never Happened (157)
Peter Pan (158)
With Poetry (159)
A Husband’s Tale (160)
Forever Then Never (161)
Anna Katherine (162)
What Have I Done? (163)
Witchcraft (164)
Too Sudden (165)
Make Me Feel Sorry (166)
No Time To Wait (167)
Sally (168)
Beauty’s Price (169)
Taking Back What I Said (170)
Test Of Time (171)
Can’t Call It Love (172)
True Love? Or Convenience? (173)
Loving A Genius (174)
Listen Closely (175)
Clinging, Just To Let Go (176)
Poetry Stained (177)
The Choice I’ll Make (178)
I Thought I Was Beautiful (179)
The Thing I Do Best (181)
Replaced (182)
How To Be Safe (183)
Insults (184)
All For Nothing (185)
Forget Me (186)




 

 

 

What I Did For Years on the Internet

1. Roleplaying

No, not video games. This is when you make an account and act as a certain character along with other roleplayers. I first did it on friendster, then on facebook. I remember roleplaying along a Pretty Little Liars Character and an original character behind the face of a model from polyvore.

2. Youtube

Years ago, I tried editing a video once and uploaded it on youtube. Now i could no longer find it probably because it was so terrible. Other than that, i used youtube as a tool for me to learn a new language. I wanted to learn Korean at that time. I was so eager for the first 3 days but i stopped, and sadly didn’t learn at all until now.

3. Tumblr

I was obsessed with my tumblr blog! I’d find a theme and costumize it. I applied what i learned about html code from costumizing my friendster profile. I was in tumblr for years until I got busy with school and left it. I come back every once in a while but I’ve never been as active as before.

4. Social Media

Twitter – I didn’t get the hang of it at first because i felt awkward thinking that i am basically just talking to myself. At some point i got obsessed with it by expressing what i feel, now i have an account under a different name. It really makes me express more when i am an anon.

Facebook – I only used it to roleplay, now i keep a profile with no profile picture because I just couldn’t find the interest with being active there.

Instagram – This is where I post pictures of what’s happening in my life. I make sure I know everyone that’s following me so i can post freely.

5. Dropbox Drafts

I wrote chapter after chapter and only reached about 8 chapters until I am busy again and forgot all about it. When I finally found the time and the motivation to write again, I could no longer keep up with the story line. I saved these drafts on dropbox because I already had my  terrible lesson with saving them on hardwares.

As far as i could remember, those are everything i have been busy with before I stumbled upon wordpress. What have you all been doing on the internet?

Cheating is NOT Okay but I Convinced Myself that it’s Tolerable

Cheaters are trash who deserve nothing but karma. That was my initial thought when i found out I was being cheated on. I swore that I need to get even. There is a need for revenge. I need to hurt him the same way he hurt me. 

Before claiming that I am the perfect girlfriend, I will unfortunately admit that I also cheated before he cheated on me. He found out about it and he forgave me. I treasured the chance that I was given and swore to myself that it was the first and the last time that I’ll cheat. I stood by my promise. About a year after that, I found out that he’s cheating. When the memory was so fresh, I see the scenes of his infedility every night before I sleep. I even think about it everyday. I daydream about what he did and instead of hating him, I hated myself. It was so painful, but weeks later, I found myself laughing along with him.

Here’s a list of reasons why the pain faded. (However, just because it fades doesn’t mean it’s gone.)

1. He made me feel that he’s sorry. He brought me flowers for days with notes in it. The flowers bloomed along with my hope that everything between us will eventually be okay.

2. He did things he doesn’t usually do when we were still together. Waiting for me to make sure I get home safe. Exerting extra effort to make time for me despite the hustle of his own responsibilities.

3. Enumerating promises of how good our relationship could become. Promises of him changing and plans for our future. I daydreamed with him once more and I can clearly see myself being happy beside him in the future.

4. Reminding me of the mistakes I did. He had forgiven my mistakes. Now it feels like forgiving him is an obligation instead of something that I should do on my own decision.

5. Not having proper closure. When I decided that we should end, he hung around asking for another chance. When he couldn’t see me, he always calls and leaves a message. And what will you do if you miss someone and he appears to be always available for you? You devour him, ofcourse. I am honestly disappointed with my lack of self control.

I held on to what is uncertain. Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t hurt me again, maybe I could heal myself.

My first reaction to cheating is revenge, followed by simply leaving, now who would’ve thought I’d end up with forgiving and then staying? I was ready for another chance because maybe after all, we both deserved that — but then he stopped. He gave up.

The flowers stopped coming.

I’ve never seen him for weeks.

I think the promises will just be forgotten. My hope went with him when he left.

I was blamed for making him feel guilty.

Turning his back, was closure enough for me.

Maybe at some point we could love someone so much we accept their mistakes no matter how much it hurts us. Maybe cheating could be tolerable to anyone brave (and stupid?) enough to go through pain just to keep a person. However, just because you could tolerate it, doesn’t mean everything will work out fine again.

I learned so much from this heartache it feels like the lessons are engraved in my skin like a tattoo, permanent and painful, but beautiful in the end.

Top 5 Relationship Murderers

Relationships will not be murdered if two people are fighting for it. However, isn’t it annoying (and heartbreaking) to be provoked to end it? Based on my very minimal and messy relationship experience, these are the usual relationship murderers that may appear to be just a little bug, but could really end as a deadly virus. Stop it, before it stops the relationship.

(This applies to guys too.)

1. Trust Issues

As much as we find it cute to have someone that is so scared to lose us, it is also very annoying to have someone ask you where you are and then ask for a proof that you’re really there. Trust issues may be caused by something a person did in the past, but the question is, why are you with him now when you have not forgiven his past? What’s the point of claiming you love someone, but still holding a grudge against them?

A little jealousy spices up a relationship but it also could be very harmful. When your jealous, you could possibly say hurtful words, or be involved with a fight against a person he is only friends with. Also, continuously being jealous could make him just want to cheat because you’re already jealous anyway even if he’s doing something right or wrong, so might as well do what’s wrong.

As for my experience, I have always been paranoid. Probably because I was insecure and worried. And I can say that the cure for trust issues is meeting halfway. If a girl is jealous, she must lessen it and learn to calm herself down before harmful words and catfights could take place. On the other hand, the guy must also be able to secure her, assure her, instead of simply getting mad at her for having less trust.

2. Open Wounds

Open wounds cut by your lover’s former lover. No matter how much you try to heal it by your touch or patch it with your love, it never seems to heal.. because he’s continuously caressing it. It is hard competing with someone who already left, you either fight back or realize that a person like you don’t deserve a competition in his heart. You could leave if he’s making it too obvious that he still has not let her go or you could stick around, cling to the love he has for you until he heals, until there’s only you.

This may be just a little challenge but this could be the death of a relationship especially when that former lover is so willing to take him back. That bitch.

3. Itch

If your lover has this reputation of being a ladies man, or a “fuckboy”, then you better brace yourself. You could either believe the rumors and leave, you could believe it and wait until he changes, or you could not listen to the rumors at all. It’s honestly your choice, but if you ever get hurt don’t ever question your worth. You may have been stupid for still falling for him despite the red flags everyone around you raised — but don’t you ever question your self’s beauty, personality and ability, just because you can’t cure his itch.

Some people are just born with an itch that takes tons of girls to satisfy, you can try curing that itch, or you can leave. People have the ability to be really stupid. Relationships need apologies and forgiveness most of the time. Do you value the person and the relationship to fight for it? Are you willing to get hurt just to kick that itch out of your relationship? Is he worth it? It really is your choice, all i am saying is this itch is deadly and you must always be mindful for the signs of it so you could kill it before it kills the relationship.

4. Pretentions

It is okay to pretend that you’re on a very strict and healthy diet on your first few days, but 6 months gone and you’re still pretending? I am not gonna say that you should not be in a relationship where you have to pretend every now and then, it’s just that, don’t you like to be yourself and be comfortable with that person? Small pretentions could later lead to major deceptions.

5. Being too complacent

Being so sure that he won’t leave. Girls usually do this. Probably aquired from the movies, girls have high expectations of what a guy must not and must do.

Get yourself a guy who.. *lists actions including being given expensive gifts*

It is good to be aware of what we deserve, but it is dangerous to think so high of oneself and expect (worse, demand) too much of what you truly deserve. Without knowing, girls could end up bossing around their lover. Girls, dudes have needs to. You can’t tell him to buy you things Christian Grey gives Anastasia Steele. You can’t expect him not to hang out with guys just because you said so, just because you want to. You are his girlfriend, and you are not someone who will provoke him to do things he shouldn’t be obliged to do just to prove that he’s in love with you.

And for the guys, don’t be too dependent with the thought that a girl who is madly in love with you will not leave you. She may be head over heels with you but once she’s fed up and once she’s treated so bad, she has the tendency to give up.

_______

I think those are my top relationship murderers. “Itch” killed my most recent relationship but i think the other 4 had its great deal of contributions. Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

I am no relationship expert. This is just what I learned from my mistake.

My Ideal Break Up and How it Turned Out

I am not sure if constantly thinking of a break up while in a relationship is healthy, but thats what i did anyway. I have this break up scenario in my head. I call this as my ideal break up, where he does something wrong and i’d be left no other choice but to leave him. I will be a damsel in distress and he’ll be left with regrets for taking me for granted, and not seeing my worth. I also imagined that he’ll be chasing me, pleading to have me back, but i already moved on and is already way out of his league.

After two years, my ideal break up happened! However, there were scenes i havent imagined and now i don’t know how to deal with it. At first it went well, with me listing down reasons why i should not be talking to him again. I also did research on how to be better. I cut my hair, bought clothes, did my nails, bought books and just pampered myself. At first i thought how better i will become and he will just be left behind.

I tried controlling this break up scenario but it got out of hand because of the following reasons:

1. He chased me (yes, i saw that coming) and i ended up liking being chased (who would’ve thought i liked being chased by this cheating ex lover?)

2. He was so persistent, he even mentioned suicide – And i was there to comfort him with words like “just because i will be gone, doesn’t mean i’d stop loving you” . I know he dont deserve that but i said it to him anyway.

3. He made sure he’ll always be there, and my stupid self runs back to him everytime i miss him.

4. I hated the thought of him with somebody else, so i made sure i constantly talk to him to make sure he behaves.

5. I swear i tried not communicating but sometimes, when he calls, i’d answer it and we’d talk for hours.

I just learned that this break up scenario is only ideal because it’s all in my head. My criteria for a perfect break up is:
• It must not be my fault
• ofcourse, it must be his and it must be big so he’ll regret
• It must be painful to make me never want to go back again

However, i forgot to include the essential part of this break up: My well being and my capacity to handle it.

So here’s an update: After about two pages of written promise (that i’ll never take him back) on my journal, i am still talking to him and i just promised him that we’ll be back together when the issues are over and i have gotten over the pain caused by what he did.

This is so unhealthy, and painful and i think my stupid self deserves this for knowing that it is the perfect time to let him go, but i am still hanging around with no clue what i am waiting for.

It’s like the signs that we should be genuinely moving on are tapping on my shoulders aggressively but i’m just like,
“nah..”

Lovely Side of a Cheater

I still believe he loved me with great intentions, he just messed up in the end. But before he messed up, before i decided that i am not going back, there are things he did that made me think that his dark soul has a bright side.

Here’s a list.

1. He never left during very heated arguments. He could’ve just went home first and turned his back on me, but he never did that.

2. I saw him cry many times. From silly reasons to the heartbreaking news. I saw his smile being ripped from his face. I saw him bare, and i loved what i saw.

3. He helps the needy every once in a while. He once paid for a child to play, also bought a meal for a homeless man.

4. Random gifts, random acts of kindness.

5. I remember last christmas, i wanted him to be with me. He went there for a while, even though i know he didn’t find it convenient.

6. He was always following me around. If there’s a place i needed to go and i don’t feel safe, all i do is call him. Worries erased.

7. He always considers if i am comfortable.

8. The little things. Downloading music/ebooks/movies for me. He gave me a portion of his gaming time.

9. I annoyed him so much he clenched his fist, and closed his eyes. I was never bothered because i was sure he’ll never hit me. He never did, and i think he could never do that to another girl.

10. “Where are you? What do you need? Want me to bring you water?” He showed that he cares.

Before i discovered about what he did, i kept asking myself, “what did i do to deserve a man like this?”

Although some of his acts could be fake, is it wrong for me to believe that behind a cheating douchebag is a gentleman?

I bet if i’d recall the terrible things he did, it will surpass this list. However, maybe thats what love does. It dims the light to where the horrible flaws are placed, and makes sure we only see what’s loveable.

A Confession from Someone Who Got Cheated On

When i discovered that i was being cheated on by my boyfriend with a girl named Helen (real name withheld), i was devastated. A week later, 100 kilometers away, there was coincedentally a girl named Helen who was cheated on by his boyfriend. Different girls, but as weird as it may sound, i honestly felt like i got even.

A week after that, there is this social media thread made by a girl who got cheated on. He posted a photo, and a series of screenshots of her former lover’s infidelity. That day until today, her tweets revolved around that cheating incident. The social media hype was over,  but she obviously wasnt. (This is the bad thing with making it public and viral. Everyone will seem to care for a while but people will move on to the next viral news, leaving you behind.)

Will i be so nasty if i’d admit that once again, it felt like i got even. It shamefuly feels good to hear news about girls being cheated on just weeks after i got cheated on — but don’t get me wrong. I don’t want girls to be cheated on and left crying at night. I want all girls to have a good relationship. I want all girls to be free from misery (although some nights i want the girl named Helen my boyfriend cheated with to undergo a mild pain, just a dose of karma).

I want all girls to feel loved, and that includes me. When i got cheated on i felt like the ugliest and unworthy human being. Everyday i enumerate my flaws and when one flaw is being unusually noticeable than it already was, i’d end up saying, “oh so that’s why he cheated on me.” There were days when i just decided that no other guy will ever love me and that my former relationship was just filled with fake happiness as he pretends that he finds me beautiful.

Seeing beautiful girls being cheated on gave me the slightest hope that maybe i am not trash after all. Seeing other girls being heartbroken made me hope that maybe i wasn’t cheated on because i wasn’t enough. Maybe i was cheated on because being a jerk flows on the veins of my former lover and no matter how good i try to be, i just couldn’t cure him.